Bakamonogatari
by AntiThesis101
Summary: An ex-assassin. A rooster. A fox. A quest. The dragon is in the details. Your assumptions will be annihilated. AU, Canon pairings highly probable.
1. The Details

A/N 1: Hello guys! This is not _Sketches_, but... Remember a long while back, when I said I was planning something epic? Well, this is the start of it! Unfortunately, I haven't gotten future chapters fully fleshed out yet, so updates might take a while. Also, this might be a huge departure from the other serious stuff I've written on this site, but believe it or not, I started writing comedy way before anything else. Think of it as a return to my roots (I hope I'm not too rusty...).

Anyway, onwards to the fic!

**Bakamonogatari**

_**Baka**__**, adj.**_: A frequently used Japanese word meaning "fool; idiot; jerk; dolt; imbecile; foolish; stupid; worthless; absurd; ridiculous; idiotic; dumb ass".

_**Monogatari, n.**_: A literary form in traditional Japanese literature, an extended prose narrative tale comparable to the epic.

**Chapter 1: The Details**

* * *

His past had caught up to him again.

It had come sooner than he expected – the village he was residing in was a good distance away from the capital, and he had counted on several months before some trader would finally recognize him for who he was. _Had been_, he reminded himself as he faced the men in front of him.

Oh, but what did it matter. He was _wrong_, if nothing else. It had only been a week and here he was, confronted by an angry mob wielding pitchforks, shovels and menacing faces.

"Himura," the chief – a stout man with weathered features and a strange braided beard – stepped forward, "I suppose you know what this is all about."

Himura Kenshin sighed. Yes, he had had enough experience on his way here to have a good grasp of the situation. "I am sorry for what I have done, chief, I truly am. If you are willing to give me some provisions and a few minutes to gather my belongings, I will leave this village."

"Leave, Himura?" It was strange, how the chief still insisted on calling him Himura when past experience told him that by now the villagers should be spitting the word _Battousai_ at every chance they got. Like they could be rid of their disgust and fear of the legendary assassin simply through the use of his name. Like they could remove his sins by expelling the hitokiri's name from their lips.

Kenshin bowed his head. "Yes. I am sorry for the pain that I've-"

"Oh, but we can't let you leave, Himura," the chief interrupted (_was he even listening?_), signaling a man – a farmer carrying a length of rope – forward, "Not when the dragon demanded your blood."

Kenshin snapped his head up so quickly he almost sprained his neck. "What?"

"What?"

"_What_?"

"What?!"

Kenshin groaned. In the past week that he had stayed with the villagers, he had found that they were particularly…_ignorant_ when it came to some things. Like the existence of rational thinking. And common sense.

"What dragon?" He asked, somewhat exasperatedly.

"Oh. _Oh_!" Realization inched across the chief's face. "Right. I forgot that you're new to this village, Himura." At least he had the sense to sound sheepish. "Well, you see, this village has been threatened by a fearsome dragon for a couple of years now. And it occasionally sends messages to us, demanding one thing or another in exchange for peaceful co-habitation."

"Messages? The _dragon_ sends messages?"

"Oh yes," the chief pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket, "See, this is its latest note."

Kenshin took it from him and saw, in relatively neat and human-esque handwriting, the words:

_I DEMAND THE BLOOD OF YOUR FAIREST._

And then, as if as an afterthought:

_OR ELSE…!_

Followed by several amateurish doodles, one of a stick figure being eaten by what he presumed was the dragon, and another of a stick figure on fire.

Kenshin stared at the note for a few moments, then raised disbelieving eyes to the chief, "And what does this… _dragon's _demand have to do with me?"

The chief snorted and rolled his eyes, "Well, Himura," he enunciated every syllable clearly, like he was talking to a particularly dimwitted child. Kenshin resisted the urge to sock the man in the face. "Isn't it obvious? You're the fairest in this village – we've all agreed. So we'll need to sacrifice you to the dragon."

"_What_?!"

"Yes, we have all agreed that you are the most beautiful here. So while it pains me to do so, you have to be sacrificed. Now, be still and let Noburo tie you up."

As Noburo – the farmer with the length of rope from earlier – took a step forward, Kenshin stepped back, shock almost causing him to forget his defensive stance. Almost. He pushed his sword a few inches from its scabbard. _I'm not being persecuted for my past as an assassin, but because I'm… _pretty?!

"Wait a minute, chief." Maybe he could talk some sense into these people. This dragon sounded pretty dubious. In fact, it hardly sounded (or wrote) like a dragon at all. "Have you ever seen this dragon?"

"Nope."

"Then how do you know that it really is a dragon?"

"Because when it moved into the caves up in the forest two years ago, it sent a note saying that it was a dragon, and that it didn't want to be bothered. Or _else_." The chief shuddered.

Once again, Kenshin found himself incredulous. "And you believed it? Just because it sent a note?"

"Of course not! What do you take us for, Himura, idiots?" The chief actually had the gall to sound offended. "We hear its roar echoing from the cave whenever we go into the forest, and we see huge fireballs hurtling towards the sky every now and then. And we know that it's dangerous, because once it sent a puff of smoke shaped like a skull into the sky!"

"But don't you see? This could just be someone trying to trick you! What else has this dragon demanded of you?"

"Well, when it first came it wanted a futon. Then it asked for furniture – tables, chairs, and a cupboard. Then some other things that I can't remember… _oh!_ Last winter, it wanted a rug."

Kenshin couldn't resist it anymore; he slapped his palm against his forehead, dragging it down his face as he tried not to yell, "It sounds like someone is setting up a home in those caves over there! Don't you think that dragons would ask for less… _practical_ things?"

The chief looked at him sternly, "We do not presume to know the ways of dragons, Himura. Enough chit chat, we're taking you to the caves whether you like it or not."

Narrowing his eyes as several men stepped forward, Kenshin dropped into his signature battoujutsu stance, his expression precariously balanced between incredulity and indignation. _Bloody past or not, I am not about to be sacrificed to a non-existent dragon just because some idiot villagers thought that I was_ the fairest_!_

Three men came hurtling towards him, crude weapons raised, and Kenshin snapped his sword out of his sheath, hitting the first with the flat of his sword. He followed the momentum of his twist to hit the second with his sheath. Pivoting on his foot, he was about to take down the third when he felt a sudden sharp sting on his neck. Ignoring it for the moment, he continued towards the third man, knocking him out with a blow to his abdomen. Satisfied that none of the other men seemed to be willing to try anything anytime soon, he reached up and grasped the slender body of a dart. Pulling it out, Kenshin only had time to register that it was a tranquilizer dart before everything went black.

* * *

Kenshin awoke with a start. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of a large cave, its entrance a yawning mouth framing the absolute darkness within. Taking stock of the situation, he cursed when he realized that his sword was gone, and both his hand and feet were bound in front of him.

"There's no use struggling." A voice to his right caught his attention.

Turning around, Kenshin recognized Noburo and the dark forest that loomed behind him. The village was on the other side of the forest – assuming only Noburo had been carrying him, he must have been out for a good hour or two. Noburo grinned at him, and Kenshin noticed that he was missing two front teeth, which somehow made that smile all the more alarming.

"There's no use struggling," Noburo repeated, "those are my finest knots. Oh and here," he tossed a rooster into Kenshin's lap, "maybe you should be the one to return the dragon's messenger rooster. You'll need all the help you can get."

Chuckling darkly, Noburo gave him a small salute and walked back into the forest, disappearing from sight.

Kenshin looked down at the rooster in his lap, feeling that nothing should really surprise him anymore. "…Messenger rooster, huh?"

The rooster clucked at him.

"I guess there's nothing to do but wait for the dragon. If it even exists."

The rooster clucked again, this time a little resentfully.

"I bet it's just some old man looking for a good time. _The blood of your fairest_? I bet- _ouch_!"

The rooster was pecking Kenshin quite viciously in arm.

"What the- _Stop that_!"

Kenshin awkwardly attempted to swat the rooster away with his bound hands. The rooster stopped and looked at him like he was an idiot. Kenshin paused. _Right, attributing thoughts to animals. Those villagers must be contagious. What am I going to do next, start talking to it?_

"Ooh, you _are_ a pretty one. No wonder those imbeciles chose you."

Kenshin started. _Did the rooster just…_?

The rooster simply stared at him, as if waiting for a reply. _Well, it wouldn't hurt…_

"Did you just talk to me?"

The rooster rolled its eyes. _Wha-?_

"No, he didn't. But I did."

A fox was sitting on a rock over his left shoulder, tail swishing behind it as it surveyed Kenshin with clear mahogany eyes.

"As I was saying," the fox continued silkily, amusement creeping into its voice, "you _are_ very pretty. Probably the prettiest. But I don't think this was what _she_ was expecting."

The fox laughed a strange, high pitched laugh that made the hair on the back of Kenshin's neck stand. "Oh, definitely not what she wanted _at all_. She's going to be _so_ angry."

"…She?"

"Why yes," the fox licked its paw, "the _dragon_. She's not going to be happy about this." Its ears perked up suddenly, twitching slightly. Then a slow smirk spread across its face, "Ah, here she comes now."

Turning back to face the cave, Kenshin could see a light emanating from its depths, a bluish glow that was growing brighter by the moment, as if its source was moving closer… Then he heard a growl, a steady growl that seemed to be building in intensity, before finally exploding in a roar:

"SAAAAANOOOOOO!"

A roar that reverberated throughout the entire cave, echoing off the walls and multiplying in volume, so vicious and earsplitting that for a moment Kenshin wondered if the villagers weren't idiots after all – there _was_ a dragon living in this cave and he was about to die, eaten alive by a dragon all because he was deemed _pretty_…

"SAAAAANOOOOOO!"

The roar came again and Kenshin looked around for the fox, wondering if he should ask for help, but realizing belatedly that it had vanished. The messenger rooster had fled to cower behind his back since the first roar and he was left defenseless, about to meet his end at the claws of a fearsome dragon.

The blue light was blinding, and the heat that emanated from it made him arch back. Kenshin felt sweat dripping down his brow. _Blue flames? This dragon breathes blue flames? _He squinted and vaguely made out a figure silhouetted against the light – the dragon's head, perhaps? Then suddenly a ball of blue flames was hurtling towards him at a frightening speed, and he could only gape at the monstrous beauty of it – intense in both color and the sheer heat it released. The rooster gave a terrified squawk and ran away, hiding behind the rock the fox had so recently vacated.

Then just as Kenshin was about to close his eyes and pray that death would come swiftly, the ball of flame landed inches from his feet, disappearing completely after a few seconds. Instead, another fireball was launched at the rock to his left, and the rock shattered to pieces, leaving the rooster exposed.

"Sano you _idiot_! You left your goddamn_ feathers_ all over the rug again! How many times do I have to bloody tell you to _clean up after yourself?_"

Another fireball went for the rooster, who managed to escape just in time. The rooster clucked angrily.

Kenshin blinked. He wondered if he was dreaming, then figured that he wasn't since his nightmares were usually more… bloody and morbid. At the entrance of the cave stood not a monstrous dragon, but a relatively petite girl in a kimono. A blue flame burned brightly in her right hand, and with a growl she hurled it at the rooster again.

"I think I'm having roast chicken tonight!"

This went on for quite a while, the girl throwing her blue fireballs and threats with equal fervor while the rooster dodged each attempt to roast it with surprising agility. After about a quarter of an hour though, the girl seemed to tire, and with a half-hearted snarl she collapsed on a flat boulder nearby, her feet stretched out before her. The sun had already started to set by then.

And then Kenshin knew that this… _girl_ did not demand for him at all. In fact, if the fox was to be trusted, he _definitely_ was not what she wanted. He seized the momentary lapse in murderous rage and spoke up, "Umm… good evening. Do you mind helping me out of these ropes?"

The girl gave a slight start and looked over at him, apparently noticing him for the first time. Kenshin smiled his most innocent smile at her.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" She was on her feet almost instantly, a blue flame glowing in her hand once again.

"I believe you…er, _demanded_ for me?"

"Demanded for you?" She sounded skeptical, and Kenshin breathed a sigh of relief. Warily, she moved closer.

Up close, Kenshin noticed that she had fine features and a fair complexion, which contrasted prettily with the silky raven hair tied high behind her head. She was definitely an attractive girl – not a classic beauty, and from the previous display of temper, most certainly not a classic _anything_ – but she was beautiful in her own right, a glowing sort of beauty that Kenshin had never really seen before. But that was only if he paid close attention – if he had just passed her on the street, he would have thought of her as any ordinary village girl.

If not for her eyes. Oh her _eyes_ – colored an endless sort of blue that reminded Kenshin of the sky above the ocean – a sky he had only seen once – infinitely far away and crystal clear, with slitted pupils that certainly did not belong on any human. Her eyes gave her away to be something _more_.

"Since when did I demand for some pretty boy? I demanded for…" She trailed off.

Kenshin decided to give her a hard shove in the right direction. "The blood of the fairest, remember?"

Kenshin watched as realization dawned on her and had to suppress a chuckle when she slapped her palm to her forehead, the flames in her hand extinguishing. Apparently he was not the only one who was constantly amazed by the villagers' stupidity. And if the chief was telling the truth, she had put up with them far longer.

"Those _idiots_," she gritted out, flushing red. "This is completely _wrong_! I'm so sorry, er…"

"Himura. Himura Kenshin."

"I'm sorry, Himura-san-"

"Please, Kenshin is fine."

"Right, Kenshin. I'm sorry those _morons_ didn't understand my message. I guess I could've worded it a little better, but I never suspected that they could ever be this _stupid…"_ She took out a small dagger from the front of her obi and deftly cut his bonds.

Kenshin massaged his slightly sore wrists, smiling at her, "That is fine, um…"

"Kamiya. Kamiya Kaoru. I guess you can call me Kaoru."

"Kaoru-dono. There is no harm done."

"I'm sorry all the same." She looked up. "It's getting late, though. Would you like to stay for dinner, Kenshin?"

At the mention of dinner, the rooster moved closer. Kenshin backed away slightly. He didn't think that he would like to see someone being eaten alive in front of him.

"Um, no thank you. I better be on my way."

"No, I insist Kenshin, stay for dinner. It's the least I could do."

"But, um…"

"Really, I was just about to cook up something for Sano here anyway." She jerked her thumb in the direction of the rooster.

Kenshin jerked involuntarily. The rooster… he was going to have to eat _worms_ for dinner?

Apparently Kenshin was silent for too long. Kaoru beamed at him, taking his silence as consent. "Right, that settles it then. Do you mind setting up the fire with Sano? I'll go get some food."

She then headed past them towards the treeline beside the cave, a ball of blue firelight in her palm.

Kenshin sat and stared after her, unable to comprehend what he had gotten himself into. Why did she need them to make a fire if she could conjure some up herself? After a few moments, he felt a tugging at his leg. The rooster, er… _Sano_ had the hem of his hakama in his beak, and seemed to be asking him to follow him. Standing up, Kenshin followed Sano into the nearby forest, thinking that this couldn't possibly get any stranger.

* * *

Thankfully, Kaoru didn't return with a bucket of worms. Instead, she came back with a few frogs and field rats, slightly charred on the surface. Kenshin guessed that she had hurled some of her blue fireballs at them, the poor souls. Gutting them with the knife she had used to cut his bonds, she soon had them skewered on a few sticks Sano had set aside and burning merrily in the fire.

"So… you're not from the village, are you?" Kaoru spoke, tossing a frog-on-a-stick towards Sano.

Kenshin hid a grin behind his roasted rat, "How could you tell?"

"Well, you're not completely dense, for one."

Kenshin couldn't help but chuckle. "You're right. I'm not from the village. I'm merely a wanderer, and I had been staying there for a week when all… _this_ happened."

Kaoru winced, "Right… I still feel really bad about that. I didn't think that they would resort to _kidnapping_. And a _man_, at that!"

"Well, you did demand the blood of the fairest," Kenshin pointed out, reaching for a frog, "And you never really specified the gender."

"Yeah… but I thought it would have been obvious, you know? I mean, I've never asked for sacrifices or anything like that before, just some stuff to furnish the cave."

Kenshin stared at her. "Wait… you weren't asking for a sacrifice?"

Kaoru looked slightly taken aback, "No! Of course not!"

"Th-then when you wrote _the blood of the fairest_…"

"I meant a few drops of blood! From the fairest girl in the village! They could've just pricked her finger and sent a vial of her blood."

Kenshin didn't know whether to laugh or cry hysterically. The people in these parts were _strange_, to say the least. Their minds didn't seem to run on the same kind of logic as the rest of the world. Trying to make some sense of what he had stumbled into (he was eating dinner with a _dragon_ and her _messenger rooster_, for god's sake!), he reached for another skewer, only to find that it was the last one left. Then he realized that Kaoru had not taken a bite of anything the entire time.

"Kaoru-dono, aren't you hungry? You haven't eaten anything."

She looked at him weirdly. Then comprehension seemed to dawn on her and she giggled. Plucking the stick out of the fire, she passed it to him and smiled mischievously, eyes flashing, "Oh, I don't eat these…"

Kenshin felt a cold sweat break over his brow. He knew it. He should have run away when he had the chance. _She was fattening me up. Now she's going to eat me!_

Kenshin was about to stand and try to make his getaway when Kaoru suddenly… _inhaled _the fire. She opened her mouth and as if blown by phantom winds, tendrils of flames swiftly rushed between her lips, not unlike someone eating a bowl of noodles. After a few moments her mouth closed and she swallowed, satisfaction blooming across her features. Kenshin was dimly aware that the fire had gotten much smaller.

Kaoru smirked at him, her eyes laughing, "I'm a _dragon_, Kenshin. I only eat _fire_."

* * *

Now thoroughly assured that Kaoru would not eat him, Kenshin felt more comfortable in her presence, and even started to relax by the campfire. They had fallen into an easy silence after the food had been eaten, each lost in their own thoughts and enjoying the night breeze. Sano the rooster was on Kaoru's lap, and she stroked his feathers unconsciously, eyes distant. Kenshin didn't really want to break the easy atmosphere, but something had been nagging at him for a while now, and he felt that this was probably the best moment to bring it up.

"Kaoru-dono?"

"Mm?"

"Why do you need the blood of the fairest?"

She shot him a glance and then hesitated, as if unsure whether to speak. Sano peeked out at him from her lap, his gaze wary.

"It's fine if you won't tell me. I'm just… curious, that's all."

Kaoru observed him for a few heartbeats. "If I tell you, will you help me?"

"Help you? Kaoru-dono, you're not in trouble, are you?"

"No, not really. Just… will you help me get it? The blood of the fairest?"

Kenshin thought about it. It wasn't as if she was asking him to _kill_ someone – all he had to do was get a few drops of blood from the prettiest girl in the village. Besides, he didn't particularly owe the villagers anything… He took in the girl sitting in front of him, one of her fists tightly clenched in the rooster's plumage, her mouth a slight downward twist and her gaze clouded. Not entirely sure why, he inclined his head, "I will do my best to help you, Kaoru-dono."

Placing Sano on the ground cautiously, Kaoru scooted closer to him, her features thrown into sharp relief by the firelight, making her expression hard to read. Slowly, she raised her hand and parted the front of her kimono, revealing smooth alabaster skin. Kenshin was torn between looking away in mortification and looking on in admiration. He could see her collarbones now, and just when he thought he saw a glimpse of her cleavage he realized what she was _really_ showing him. A patch of blue on her chest glinted in the firelight, and upon closer inspection he realized that it was _scales_ he was looking at, blue scales that melded with her skin and spread over her chest like a wound.

"The more dragon magic I use," she said softly, "the more it spreads. I realized this about a month ago, but didn't know how to stop it."

"But… why…"

"Because- Because I'm not really a dragon. I was simply raised by one. And he taught me the magic of his kind, so that I could defend myself, so that it would not be lost. But he's… gone now, and I didn't know what to do. Then last week, the fox spirit wandered by. She told me that there was a potion that could cure me. But I would need to set off on a quest for the ingredients."

"A quest? Simply to gather the ingredients?" If the fox that Kenshin had met before was the fox spirit Kaoru was talking about, then he wasn't sure if its advice could be taken seriously.

"Apparently my situation is quite… unique and complicated, so the ingredients have to be complex as well. I'll need to collect the fang of a white tiger, a lost soul's shadow, one-sixteenth of a demon's heart, the dream of a false knight, and of course, the blood of the fairest."

"I guess given that list, the blood of the fairest does sound the easiest." Kenshin said wryly.

"Exactly," Kaoru smiled, although her eyes were still uneasy, "Well, I guess I'll just have to send another note to the village tomorrow-"

"Oh, that will _not_ do." A voice interjected from somewhere behind them.

Kaoru was on her feet in an instant, a fireball in her hand and Sano at her feet, poised to attack. Kenshin had also leapt to his feet, but realized an instant later that the villagers had taken his sword. _Damn._

"Oh calm down, you three." The fox from before walked into the firelight, tail swishing gently, "It's just me."

"The fox spirit?" Kenshin asked, feeling a little out of his depth.

"Yes, yes," the fox said almost flippantly, "but I guess you can call me Megumi. After all, we're going to be traveling together."

"What?" The fireball had been extinguished, but Kaoru was still on her guard. Kenshin admired her defensive posture for a few moments before returning his eyes to the fox in front of them.

"After overhearing that conversation and realizing how _thick_ you all are," Megumi's eyes glinted, "I've decided to help you. So I'll be your guide on this quest."

Megumi walked towards the fire and settled herself down next to it, tail curling in front of her to wrap around her front paws. Slowly, Kenshin and Kaoru sat back down facing her.

"Now, as your guide, the first thing I must tell you is that you've got it _all wrong._" Kaoru's hands twitched by her side. "When I said _blood of the fairest_, I didn't mean the prettiest girl in that idiot village, you nitwit. I meant the fairest in all of _Bakamono_."

Kenshin stared at the fox. _That actually… makes sense._ _Why did we assume that _blood of the fairest_ referred only to that village?_

"But how can I know who's the most beautiful in these lands? This kingdom isn't exactly small, you know." Kaoru glared at the fox, "Besides, there is no objective measure for beauty."

The fox sighed, its ears twitching. "Who said anything about beauty? It's _complexion_ I'm talking about. The fairness of one's skin. And I believe that there are rumors of a tribe in the snowy mountains to the North…"

"The Yukishiro clan," Kenshin breathed. He had heard rumors of them during the war. They were said to have such pale skin that they blended in with the snow on the mountains.

"Yes," Megumi purred, smile widening, "Their princess is said to be the fairest in all of _Bakamono_."

"Then that's where we have to go!" Kaoru stood up. "Come on, Sano, we're leaving."

She had taken a few steps towards the forest when she stopped. Abruptly, she swiveled around to face them, hand placed sheepishly behind her head, "Er… where exactly are these mountains again?"

Megumi rolled her eyes. It was strange for Kenshin, seeing a fox roll its eyes so exasperatedly. But it was also bizarrely amusing. Figuring that Megumi wasn't going to say anything, he spoke up, "Um, Kaoru-dono, maybe it would be better if we take tonight to pack and get a good rest, and then head off tomorrow? After all, I don't think we'll be back here any time soon."

"It'll take at least half a year to get all the ingredients," Megumi piped in.

"H-half a year?! B-but what about our cave? And can this," she pulled down the collar of her kimono, "last that long?"

"If you don't use your dragon magic as ridiculously often as you do now, then yes. It'll last about a year."

"B-but I…" Kaoru suddenly swiveled around to face Kenshin. "Kenshin, you don't have to do this. I mean, it's _at least_ half a year of your life! Surely you'd rather spend it… er, wandering?"

Kenshin considered her, her strong stance and flushed face and bright eyes – those vertical pupils in a sea of infinite blue. He was apprehensive (of course he was – they weren't exactly _normal_, and what they were about to do wasn't exactly on his side of _sanity_), but still…

"I did give my word, Kaoru-dono, to do my best to help you obtain the blood of the fairest. So allow me to at least accompany you to the mountains. And besides," he smiled at her, and was surprised to see her eyes widen slightly, "I am a little tired of travelling alone. A wanderer never knows where he's going or for how long. But if you don't mind that… I'll stay with you for a while."

_..._

_To be continued._

* * *

A/N 2: I forgot to mention earlier that this is also an attempt at writing Action/Adventure, as well an amateur go at a multi-chaptered fic with an actual plot that goes beyond emotional development. I've characterized Kenshin a little differently from the Rurouni we're all familiar with, but as you might have realized, he hasn't actually met Tomoe in this universe. His past is more or less the same (but in a different context, of course), and he's definitely still saddled with the guilt of it, but he isn't as traumatized. He's also just started wandering, so much less of the rurouni mannerisms and more of the slightly snarky Battousai we catch glimpses of in the manga. Oh and Kaoru as a dragon – it's actually inspired by Fairy Tail, this anime I'm currently watching. So the fire-eating idea is totally not mine. The portrayal of the character is, though, and I hope you find her fun! (I sure had fun writing her.)

This world is going to be…. Strange, if it wasn't obvious already. I hope you have many questions about it – piquing your interest in this strange world (and the characters that populate it) is definitely one of my objectives. There's a ton of backstory brewing in my head, and I really hope I can deepen this universe as the story progresses.

But as always, reviews are heartily welcome! I really want to know what you guys think about this particular story – the world, the characters, the tone of my writing – so I know which direction I should take the next few chapters. Thanks for reading!


	2. What Is Not Said

A/N 1: Hello! Thanks for all the reviews and favorites and follows so far guys, they really make my day! You lurkers, thanks for reading too! I was sidetracked by the drabble I recently posted in _Sketches_, so this is later than expected, but here's the next installment of _Bakamonogatari_. I hope you enjoy it!

**Bakamonogatari**

_**Baka**__**, adj.**_: A frequently used Japanese word meaning "fool; idiot; jerk; dolt; imbecile; foolish; stupid; worthless; absurd; ridiculous; idiotic; dumb ass".

_**Monogatari, n.**_: A literary form in traditional Japanese literature, an extended prose narrative tale comparable to the epic.

**Chapter 2: What Is Not Said**

* * *

Red lantern light. A lone figure slips through a narrow gap between sliding wooden doors, hurrying down a deserted street. A shadow follows silently overhead, feet whisper-soft against hard roof tiles.

The lantern light casts an unnatural bright red hue on surrounding shop-houses, molding them into strange silent sentinels. Witnesses.

"Yamanaka Ichiro?"

The figure turns. His face is red – a sweaty, terrified red.

"I have come to deliver Heaven's Justice."

He only has time to let out a thin whimper before his is dead.

His face, cleaved into two, is red – a messy, bloody red.

The shadow inspects his sword.

His sword is red too.

* * *

Kenshin was awake.

He rarely made any sound anymore – these days, he just opened his eyes and was _awake_. No yawning, no sighing, barely any movement at all. He used to scream, though.

Early morning light filtered dimly through the forest canopy, enveloping their campsite in cloudy miso-soup light. The campfire had died out during the night (or Kaoru had a midnight snack), causing Megumi to seek refuge in Kaoru's pack, the sleeve of an extra gi wrapped around the fox. Sano was under the covers of the sleeping mat, a wing sticking out and his head cocked in a distinctly non-rooster-like fashion. Funny, Kenshin had always thought that fowl slept on their legs, not sprawled out on their backs. It was also funny how he seemed to no longer be surprised by the weird mannerisms of his travelling companions. Speaking of travelling companions…

Kaoru wasn't there.

She wasn't in her usual position next to Sano, nor was she near the pile of belongings haphazardly stacked a few meters away. The plank near the bush that was their designated bathroom for the night was upright – she wasn't answering the call of nature either. Kenshin's throat tightened for a moment, before he reached out with his senses and found traces of her ki nearby. Slightly hurriedly, he rose from his position by the tree, where he had sat in a half-dozing state the entire night before falling asleep a few hours ago. He could no longer sleep lying down, and for a brief moment, as he explained to Kaoru on their first night exactly why he was sleeping propped up against a tree, he had hoped it wasn't a permanent habit.

Bending down to grab his sword, Kenshin realized belatedly that it wasn't there. It seemed that five days of reaching for a sword that didn't exist still hadn't taught him that he didn't own one anymore. _Those idiot villagers… _He made a mental note, yet again, to procure one as soon as possible – it wasn't wise to go traipsing around defenseless, especially if they were on a supposedly dangerous quest. Kenshin straightened up and with a slight frown creasing his brow, went towards the direction of Kaoru's ki.

* * *

Kaoru wasn't there.

Kenshin frowned. His ki-sense told him she was nearby, but he couldn't see her. He peered behind tall trees and checked shadowed patches of ground, but there was still no sight of the dragon-girl. Just when worry was about to settle in the pit of his stomach, he heard a giggle.

"Up here, silly!"

Kenshin looked up. Kaoru was sitting in a tree. He tilted his head back further. She was sitting in a very _tall _tree. Kenshin gaped at her. She was seated on a large branch, her legs casually extended along its length, her torso leaning against the tree's sturdy trunk. The branch she was on was several stories above the ground, and it was already one of the _lower_ branches. She grinned down at him, waving the dagger she held in her hand in salute.

Still slightly stunned, Kenshin awkwardly raised his hand in reply. "Kaoru-dono? Wha-? _How?"_

Placing something – _a branch?_ – in her lap, Kaoru held up the hand that wasn't holding the dagger. Her fingers slowly lengthened, sharpening into bone-white tips. _Claws_, Kenshin realized. _She has claws._ He walked closer to the trunk of the tree and saw inch-deep grooves dotting it, all the way up to the branch she was so comfortably perched on. He pressed his fingers into the grooves wonderingly. He had been with Kaoru, Sano and Megumi for about a week, and just when he thought nothing would cease to amaze him, here he was, learning that he was utterly wrong yet again.

A rhythmic shucking noise came from above him, followed by soft humming. Kenshin looked up again, craning his neck to see Kaoru… _carving_? She was shaving layers of wood off from what he had thought was a branch, whittling it down into a plank about the length of his arm and the width of three fingers. Her hands moved the dagger with the self-assurance of someone who knew exactly what she was doing, and a smile played on her lips as she softly hummed a tune he wasn't familiar with. Not for the first time, Kenshin was glad that someone could be so comfortable in his presence. She seemed content to continue what she was doing, leaving him to his thoughts. Was it because she didn't know about his past, because he wasn't carrying a sword? Or maybe it was because she truly had nothing to fear? Dragon or not, Kaoru was _powerful_, in a way that Kenshin wasn't sure he knew how to handle.

A cool wind blew through the forest, and Kenshin closed his eyes in appreciation. For some reason, the muted light and Kaoru's cheerful humming and the soft _shhhk_ of her carving relaxed him, his early anxieties leaving in a soft sigh. He sat down on the dry pile of leaves at the base of the tree, leaning his back against the rough bark of its trunk in an imitation of Kaoru's position above him. He was kind of tired, and it _was_ still pretty early in the morning… maybe he could rest here for a while. His eyelids drooped.

* * *

Something was nearing. A touch at his shoulder. Amber eyes snapped open. _Danger. Attack._

_Eliminate._

His left hand wound around the weapon aimed his shoulder, pulling it towards him. His attacker fell towards him, and he rose on one knee to grab his attacker's neck with his other hand, his fingers clenching _hard_-

Only to register a sting in his arm and burning blue eyes.

"Let go, Kenshin."

His fingers slackened immediately. Eyes widening in horror at the sight of his fingers around her neck, he removed his hand and scooted backwards, stopping abruptly when he hit the tree behind him.

"I'm sorry!" He blurted out, "I'm sorry, Kaoru-dono, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I-"

Kaoru smiled ruefully. "It's okay, Kenshin. I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have done that. Let me see your arm."

"What?" He looked down at his right arm. His was bleeding out of a cut near his wrist - it was thin and barely the width of his arm. He looked back up at Kaoru. "How-"

Making an impatient noise at the back of her throat, Kaoru moved towards him and grabbed his arm, pushing his sleeve up and inspecting it. She then stood up and went towards a bush on the right, returning with a few leaves in her hand. She used one to wipe the excess blood away, and crushed the rest before smearing the remains onto his arm. It stung at first, but then his skin began to cool, taking the sting out of the cut.

"It's just a nick," Kaoru said, looking up at him with a small smile, "I was afraid I'd accidentally scratched you too deeply."

_Claws,_ Kenshin remembered. She must have used them to scratch him when he was going for her neck. The speed with which she had reacted impressed him. But still- _She actually brought out her claws…To bring me to my senses?_ _Or to kill me if I turned out to be a threat? _Kenshin hastily pushed those thoughts from his mind. For now, he had more important things to attend to. Like the stick Kaoru had just tossed into his lap.

"It's for you," she said, standing up and brushing her hakama off, as if nothing had happened. "I thought you might need it."

Kenshin picked up the object in his lap and examined it. It was a _bokken_, he realized. Running his fingers across its length, he was surprised to find it smooth – not polished, as the wooden swords usually were, but smooth and – here he bent the sword a little – just the right rigidity. He stood up, swinging it experimentally. It was much lighter than what he was used to, but nothing he wouldn't get used to with a bit of practice.

"The balance is almost perfect," he told Kaoru wonderingly, "_You_ made this?"

Kaoru shrugged, a slight blush tinting her cheeks which Kenshin couldn't help but marvel at. "It's no big deal, my teacher made bokkens on the side – I'm not as good as he is, but he taught me well."

"A _dragon_ made _bokkens_?"

Kaoru stared at him in incomprehension.

"Your teacher – he's the dragon who taught you magic, no?"

Kaoru giggled. "Of course not, silly! Can you imagine a dragon making… _bokkens_?" She burst out laughing this time, clutching her stomach in mirth. Kenshin tried not to let his embarrassment show.

"Oh no, Kenshin," she grinned at him when she finally composed herself, "my _kenjutsu _teacher taught me to make bokkens. He was human."

Kenshin took a while to process that new bit of information. Then he took another moment to get over his shock.

Kaoru smiled at him uncertainly. "Kenshin?"

"You had a kenjutsu teacher? You _know_ kenjustsu?"

"Well, yeah…"

That explained the gi-and-hakama ensemble she had decided to travel in. And why her defensive stance looked familiar. Kenshin had chalked it up to some mysterious dragon training, but he should have recognized it earlier. It was the basic stance that underpinned all kenjutsu styles, for god's sake! His was lucky his master wasn't around to see him miss such an obvious detail.

"But you don't carry a sword… or a bokken…"

"I guess I got reliant on my dragon magic the past few years. I'm carrying my bokken in my pack, to run through my katas so I don't get out of practice. But ever since sensei passed, I haven't really used a sword. Instinct over practice, you know?"

Kenshin didn't know. Kenshin didn't know many things about the girl in front of him, and he was starting to worry about the depths he had yet to cast light on. _Who is Kamiya Kaoru, really?_

"How did you know I was a swordsman as well? I wasn't carrying a sword when I met you."

Kaoru rolled her eyes. "No, but you always reach down to your left whenever we hear something suspicious. And you always seem to be grasping for something in the morning, even though there's nothing around you. So with that, and your obviously trained grace, I figured that you must be trained in kenjutsu somehow."

"…Obviously trained grace?"

Kaoru avoided his gaze, her cheeks a shade pinker, "Geez, can't I notice things? You move kind of like how sensei did, only quieter. _Anyway_, I made you a bokken because I thought you'd feel more comfortable with it around. I wasn't wrong, was I?"

Kenshin looked down at the well-made bokken in his hands. He raised his eyes to look at her. He had so many questions…

Sano burst through the underbrush suddenly, clucking angrily, probably worried that he had been left behind.

… But now was not the time. He was sure she had questions too.

Kenshin tucked the bokken into his hakama tie. "You weren't wrong, Kaoru-dono. Thank you for the bokken."

* * *

"_Ne_, Megumi, how long more till we get there?"

"About a fortnight until the base of the mountain."

"A _fortnight?!_"

"Well, I can't help it if you move so slowly, can I? And your midday snacks don't help either - we can't always wait around for you to start a fire, you know!"

"But I can't help it if I'm hungry! Maybe it's a symptom of the disease?"

"I assure you it isn't. Besides, it isn't a _disease_."

"Speaking of which…"

"Are you even listening to me?!"

Kaoru walked to the edge of the path and started gathering twigs, ignoring the indignant fox behind her. Kenshin sighed, looking up at the sun overhead. He guessed it was time for her midday snack. It had been a little over eight days since he first met Kaoru, and he was slowly getting accustomed to her habits. He was also picking up certain things about her, like how she could eat normal food but it didn't fill her stomach as well, how she was more affected by ambient temperature than normal humans, how she smiled when it rained, and how she had a stubborn streak a mile wide, especially when it came to food. He bent over and picked up a branch, breaking it into smaller twigs. _Better to get this over with quickly… _

Kenshin looked at Kaoru out of the corner of his eyes, watching her circle the area for materials to start her fire with, her eyes alight at the thought of the meal ahead. His gaze drifted to the bokken by her hip. She had started carrying it around after Kenshin had pointed out a few days ago that since she knew kenjutsu, she should really be using it to defend herself instead.

"_After all, Kaoru-dono, using dragon magic would just speed up the, um, problem, wouldn't it?"_

"_But I'm not as good with a bokken as I am with my magic…"_

"_Nevertheless, given your situation, kenjutsu should now be your first line of defense. You don't want your condition to worsen, do you?"_

"_But…"_

"_Listen to him, girl. Your first instinct may be to use magic, but we can't have you hurling fireballs every time you get startled. It's not good for your body. Neither is it good for the rest of us, with your terrible aiming skills…"_

"_So it's actually about you, Megumi?!"_

"_It's about you too. Anyway, if you know what's good for you, you should learn to suppress those dragon instincts. After all, no matter what you'd like to think, you're not really a dragon, are you? You're just a human girl."_

Kenshin let out another sigh as he bent down and picked up another branch. Kaoru had had such a strange look on her face after that conversation, hurt mixed in with an array of other complicated emotions that he couldn't even begin to untangle. There were still so many things he didn't know about Kaoru – she had a knack of talking about anything and everything without revealing anything important. Like names. He still didn't know the name of the dragon who raised her, or her kenjutsu teacher. He didn't even know where she was originally from – was she the only one around who could use dragon magic? What happened to her mentors? Why was she alone, and why was the dragon magic only going out of control now? He had tried to pry some of the answers out of Megumi, but the fox remained tight lipped, telling him he should ask her himself. He then tried to know more about the "quest" they were currently on, or even more about Megumi herself. But the fox was even more evasive than Kaoru, discreetly changing the subject or finding some distraction whenever he broached the topic. And as for Sano… well, Sano was a rooster. Perhaps one with above-average intelligence, but he couldn't very well _talk_, could he? Kenshin let out a frustrated sigh and broke a branch more harshly than he had intended to.

Perhaps it was a two-way thing. Perhaps they would only open up if _he_ opened up himself – god knew he had been keeping many things from them as well. They had never asked about his past (something which Kenshin found disconcerting), but perhaps he should offer. After all, they should know that they had been travelling with an infamous assassin from the revolution all this while. What if they entered a town and someone recognized him? Kenshin grimaced. He would rather have Kaoru hear about him from his own mouth than some stranger's – he had heard snippets of the rumors floating around ever since he left the capital, and they hardly ever contained a single grain of truth. Perhaps now was a good time to fully disclose the risk they were taking by accepting him as a travelling companion.

_But what if they refuse your company after that? What if they leave? What if they look at you with disgust and resentment, like so many of those other villagers you've stayed with?_ _Do you really want to lose this small comfort you've found?_ A little voice at the back of his mind asked.

But before Kenshin could respond, Kaoru's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Sano, wha-?"

Kenshin turned around. Sano was tugging urgently at the hem of Kaoru's hakama with his beak. The rooster had been jumpier lately, and always seemed to be on the lookout for something. Having gotten their attention, Sano ran in front of the party and started clucking anxiously, using his wings to point towards the left, away from the worn forest path they were currently on.

He was ignored.

Turning her back on the rooster, Kaoru squatted and arranged the twigs she had collected into a pile. She then proceeded to take two of the thicker branches, rubbing them against each other. Sano clucked even louder, but Kaoru determinedly kept her back to him. Deciding to deal with the situation at hand first, Kenshin pushed his previous thoughts to a dusty corner of his mind. He squatted next to Kaoru and added his own twigs to the pile, scattering a few dried leaves over it.

"Kaoru-dono, shouldn't we try to figure out what Sano is trying to tell us?"

"Nah, ignore him," Kaoru said as she focused on the fire she was attempting to start, "Food first."

Sano squawked irately and ran towards Kaoru, flapping his wings. He used his head to shove against Kaoru's calf, but she ignored him, her attention wholly on the twigs in front of her. "Come on, spark, _come on_!"

"Hey dragon-girl, maybe you should listen to the rooster. His squawking is getting annoying." Megumi licked her paws from atop a fallen tree trunk.

Sano took a moment to glare at Megumi before returning to pester Kaoru, who continued to ignore him, rubbing the twigs together even more furiously than before. Kenshin hung back on the side, unsure whose side he should be on. Then he felt it, a presence on the edge of his senses, growing stronger by the moment…

"Kaoru-dono, maybe we should listen to Sano and leave-"

"Geez, not you too Kenshin! We'll leave when I've eaten, okay?!" She still had not taken her eyes off the twigs.

"But Kaoru-dono, there's some-"

"_YES!"_ Kaoru crowed in delight as a spark landed on a dry leaf, igniting it to create a small fire. "Now to fan the flames a little…"

She was about to bend over and blow at the flames when a claw landed on the leaf, raking it into pieces and snuffing the fire out immediately. As Kaoru remained motionless in shock, Sano kicked the pile of twigs, scattering them and any hope of rekindling the fire quickly. He then stood in front of her, his gaze hard as he clucked furiously, even more urgently than before.

That seemed to do it. Kaoru snapped to life and grabbed Sano, "What the _hell _did you do that for, you stupid rooster?! I swear, Sano, one day I'm going to-"

But before she could do anything more than slightly choke the rooster, a voice interjected, "Sano? As in _Sagara Sanosuke_?"

Four pairs of eyes looked up. A spiky-haired boy stood in front of them, his brown eyes shocked and wary, a plank of wood raised in defense.

Five pairs of eyes turned to the rooster in Kaoru's hands.

"Oh shit." The rooster said.

…

_To be continued._

* * *

A/N 2: Oh shit, indeed. From the reviews, it seems that a couple of you are pretty amused and curious about Sano – well, you guys are in luck, because I sense some exposition and backstory about our favorite (now-talking) rooster in the next chapter! This chapter has also thrown up a whole lot of issues that haven't been dealt with – character histories, identities yet to be divulged, typical Kenshin oh-no-I'll-endanger-my-friends guilt. But they've only been travelling together for less than ten days, so give them a little time! They're also dangerously easy-going people (except maybe Kenshin), so I'm guessing no one's really gonna push anyone to talk about themselves, although they're probably secretly dying to. Idiots.

I hope I'm still keeping you guys on your feet – I'm playing with assumptions and expectations less in this chapter, but I hope the little twists still catch you off guard! In particular, I've always wanted to rewrite the classic 'Kenshin-wakes-up-startled-and-almost-kills-the-person-who-tried-to-wake-him-up' scene, because I've always wondered – hey, what if said person could actually take care of himself/herself? I wouldn't say that Kaoru in this story is stronger than Kenshin in terms of combat ability, but she can fight on a whole other plane that Kenshin has had no experience with, which actually makes her a serious threat to him should she decide to become one.

But enough of my rambling. You guys know the drill – reviews and criticism are appreciated and always motivate me to write (lazy arse that I am)! So don't be shy to type something in that little box below!


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